Sometimes

I'll post here in the hopes that maybe I still cross your mind every now and then. Not that I'm hoping you'll just pop up and say "hey! Sorry." or whatever. I understand that people get older and grow and change. I can't ask someone to stay that doesn't want to, which is why I never chased once I'd realized you left.

I just have moments like right now at 3 A.M. where I miss you. It was easier in the little world we had created because I knew no matter what I had someone I could turn to when I was feeling stressed out, anxious, any sort of emotion. Now, it's a bit different. These people here are ingrained in a different way than you were. I still talk to the other people I met through you, and it feels a bit strange-but they care and that's more than I could ask for.

You didn't stay long enough to explain and I will never ask.

Just, if you're reading this know that sometimes I still think about you and I hope you're doing well where you are. I hope you're happy. That's all I've ever wanted for you.

Happy Birthday.

I can't believe I'm updating this

I find it hilarious that I am updating this, however. It is now the year 2015 and so many things have happened since I last posted here. 

Adam and I have actually found a way to have a solid friendship..and you?

Well, you're gone. Without so much as a goodbye and I don't know if that made it easier for the both of us or what. I can only imagine you somewhat still care about me because I can see that you check my snapchat things. I know I sent you one in a drunken lapse one night saying that it was okay we weren't friends anymore and to be honest- I'm doing my best to believe that. I told myself that this new year I would take the advice you gave me so long ago, the "Stop caring about shit that doesn't care about you" and well- It's hard to stop caring about you because even after everything I have learned from myself and heard about you, I still can't think of you as shit. 

I have gone through this blog and skimmed so much of my past. Everything we once were to one another, where it all started to fall apart..all of it. I found the post I wrote you that you claimed to have read over and over. I said this to you  "Why? Because I know even if none of this happens in our lives, if it doesn't happen between the two of us I'll never regret the things that were said. In the end we'll find someone we CAN be all these things for and with"  And you know? Despite it all, I don't regret any of it. I meant every word of it. We were a whirlwind romance. We were fated to pretend forever, and maybe crossing our worlds wasn't the brightest of our ideas. It put the fire out just as quickly as it had begin. 

I'm not sure what this is trying accomplish. I suppose this is my goodbye to you since I never actually got one. This seems to be the only fitting place to put it. God knows if I'll ever talk to you again, and I've started having doubts about the big man upstairs. 

I'm not even asking for an explanation. Clearly, you did what you had to do for you. I should have seen it coming, honestly. Things weren't ever the same and now we're quite literally worlds apart. 

I guess you should know that I live in Chicago now. I'm in school there and I've changed my major. I hope Calgary is treating you well, and Stephanie. I hope you're treating each other well. 

I'm figuring out my life one step at a time. I have huge plans for this coming year and best of all, I'm happy. I truly am. I hope you can say the same for yourself.

I can't deny that sometimes I do miss you, but you chose to leave and I can't look back. So- Goodbye. You'll always have a very special place in my heart. If you should ever choose to reach out again, you know where to find me. I promised I would always be around, and I know that for a fact it will never change. That's just now the kind of person I am. 

Thank you for having one of the best chapters in my book.

Latersxx

Also, I'm pretty disappointed.

I'm upset because I'm going on 12 days now without a single word from Garrett. Which isn't normal. I would be fine if I ever received so much as a "Hey, thanks for coming out to see me! That was really cool"

But no. He's dropped off the face of the Earth. I ALSO understand if you're busy. But it takes two seconds to say thank you.

I've resulted to asking if we were still friends since now I feel the trip may have been a bad idea.

No response as of yet. 

Like, if you're mad at me dude, just talk to me. It's not difficult...we're supposed to be "more than" best friends..so you can open up to me.

Although, I don't really know what he could be mad at me for.

This just sucks because it's like I love you, but I can't be IN love with you anymore..so if you're mad at me for why I think you are.

I'm calling bullshit. That's not fair.

I Went To Canada:

I haven't posted to this blog in ages, but considering I just went to Canada to visit none other than Garrett..It seems appropriate to write about my time on this blog. This blog holds majority of our history together. Well, the bits I felt fit to share are here.

So, I'll tell you about my trip.

After FFFOOOUUURRR years I found myself touching down in Fredericton, New Brunswick, Canada and stepping into an airport to see Garrett standing there. I guess I should've noticed his girlfriend next to him a lot sooner than I actually did.. but really I couldn't believe I was just a mere meters away from him. Now, I'm not saying any of that because I'm still pining away for him, or jealous of his girlfriend (all of which are options people have given to me) I'm saying it because of exactly what it is. You're finally standing in front of someone you know without a doubt means the absolute world to you after four years...you're not gonna notice much of anything else. 

Anways: I'm going to assume he was just as nervous as I was, because our hello hug was pretty half-assed compared to our goodbye hug. I couldn't process at all what was happening. His girlfriend drove us back to her place and I got settled in. He then made me eat a chocolate bar that we don't have in the states and try these chips called Ketchup Chips. Those were quite interesting to say the least haha. So my first dinner consisted of Chips and Chocolate. Woo Hoo! 

The next day was probably the worst day for me. 
It appeared to be the only time he would speak to me outside of "What do you want to do?" "What do you want to eat?" Was when she wasn't around. Which, again I sort of understood. So we went off on a walking tour of Fredericton  and that was a blast in a half honestly. I love learning about the history of places.

Later that night we went to a cookout some of their friends were having..and that's when things were uncomfortable. The only person who actually tried to include me was the other guy. So when we got home I called Quillan and basically just cried and wanted to go home. I didn't feel wanted. I vowed tomorrow would be the better day and it was!

We went tubing down a river with some friends of theirs. Luckily it wasn't just couples, and few of the people I already knew. I'm really surprised I went tubing. I don't like water other than pools haha but this river was really clear and it was all so beautiful. Except for when we hit rocks, that hurt a bit. However, I added a new member to my life team because he practically lifted me in my tube over a rock that was sure to kill me. And he gave me a peanut butter sandwhich so that was really nice.

The rest of the time was spent having good food, laughs and drinks. I finally had a chance to talk to Garrett..well, more like I talked and he listened. As per usual, so I'm not really sure how what I said effected him. I saw a minimal change, but it was enough. 

His friend Jamie came into town Friday and we all had a preparty before going out to the bars that night. I had a super night, I let go of all of my frustrations and drank and danced the night away, including some dancing with a very handsome boy. We all pretty much chilled until my last full day there which was Monday.

Monday we did this really cool thing called "TreeGo" which was obstacle courses and ziplining through a forest. I wasn't too great at it at first, but I got the hang out it. Later we all went to a bonfire at a park and I felt really comfortable and at ease. Probably because I was able to tap into my child state of being haha.

Later, when we got back to the house I chose to stay with the other two guys we were hanging out with. It was about 10:30 and they were going to go home to sleep. It was my last night and I didn't want to waste any of it by sleeping...or sitting up alone, which is what I would've done.

I can't let his actions determine the trip though. I really did have an amazing time and still cannot believe it happened. I'll try to find some good photos to post for you :)

ehfiuhfiohfio

No Psych teacher from high school just emailed me his phone number so we can get coffee and catch up sometime.

The high school me that had such a big crush on him is freaking out.

My secrets are safer here...

Usually, I'd use Tumblr to blog thoughts, but that has been compromised by ex boyfriends and nosey bitches. Since the only person that checks this doesn't even do it often...AND he's one of the few people I'd trust with my life.

I've decided to redirect my life in the relationship wise and just person wise. HOWEVER, as far as changing my personality, I'm not going to do too much to that. I need to find someone that's going to want me for me. Warts and All so to speak. I'm ready to start dating again, I believe. Not necessarily a relationship, but I wouldn't mind the fun, beginnings. The dates, flirting, constant talking, learning. That's always so exciting. AND if nothing comes of it, no hard feelings! I get a friend out of it.

The guy I assumed would be the easiest to going back to being friends with however, has been such a tool. Honestly, I am so disappointed in him.  I guess that's what I get for having such high expectations of him, just as he had of me. But really...am I that difficult to even want to stay FRIENDS with? Shit dude. I don't even really miss him, I don't think. I feel it's just the physical closeness between two people. I miss holding hands, kissing, sex. I just need   want to just be close to someone. BUT I'm picky about that too..so that's a bit of an issue. I want to feel wanted, and give want back. Even if it's just for a small, false amount of time...which is why this usually works best with a close friend. BUT he's being a tool.

Meh. I just want a boy to tell me I'm pretty when we cuddle. It sounds so shallow..BUT it's merely a want. Not a need. I'm stronger than that and I don't, nor will I ever, need a man to feel validated. A lot of that has to do with this girl Alice Stokes Paul I researched. She's SUCH a badass..She fought all through the end of the 2oth century for Women's Rights. A HUGE civil rights activist for Gender Equality. She makes me want to create a cause to fight for. I'm a huge supporter of Invisible Children and Human Trafficking, I think I want to start my own organization for either one of these places. OR finding things that can send clean water to third world countries. I just want to DO something important with my life. Acting isn't as important as making a difference. However, as an actor I'll be able to use my voice, income and connections to help it. I just want to leave this world different than it was when I got here. I want my children to be proud of me and the legacy I left behind.


Anyways, I think that's all for now. I've got some homework to get to.

sometimesIthinkImbetteroffhadIstayedinlovewithhewhowontbenamed.