Soooooooo.....Since when has ignoring people been okay? Especially after YOU ask them a question that YOU want to know. If you seriously didn't want to know the answer you shouldn't have asked. Yo should know by now that I'm honest. I have nothing to lose from being honest and have nothing to gain from lying. Maybe I'm reading too much into things (like usual ) maybe I need to learn to just not giving a flying rats ass. Really what do I lose by letting you go?? A friend? Sure that sucks but they come and go. A boy that makes me smile and laugh? I know plenty of boys who do that. but I also lose....one of the most genuine guys I know..(well at least I thought you were). What do I gain by holding on?? Endless nights of confusion. Heart ache for NO REASON! Ridiculous ranting blogs. But....I also gain....A boy that makes me smile and laugh when it's the last thing on earth I want to do. I gain a friend I can confide in, and trust he wouldn't never tell my secrets because who does he know that could damage me by knowing them? I gain the heart ache that I hate, but love to feel because it means I'm alive.
I'm probably just sounding like ridiculous insecure anxious girl...but really it takes a lot for me to honestly tell someone something like that. It's not like we didn't talk after....but now we aren't talking at all. If its me I'll take it all back in a heartbeat. Well thats a lie. I don't regret anything I just wish if it made things weird....that it DIDN'T make things weird.
I keep telling myself there are 1000 yous in my life but only ONE me in yours, so really you missed out. But then I laugh. What the hell did you miss out on? If we were EVER supposed to be something we missed out when our families decided to not even be close to one another..,,urgh I'm so tired of over analyzing/caring and reading into shit like this. Sometimes it'd be FANTASTIC NOT to feel things. If I could just cast aside whatever feelings I have for you, that'd be great. I mean do I even like YOU?? or Do I just like the IDEA of you. How do I know all of this isn't just some punch line to a cruel joke you've told. Believe me I've got that joke figured out. Just let me know when you decide to fill me in.
OR Who knows. Maybe you're just as amazing as you seem to be. Maybe you do actually mean it when you said you care. Maybe we take breaks from talking to each other cause you possibly like me too but you don't want to, because really I mean unless for some crazy reason our paths cross again, we can't EVER be together and it hurts you as much as it hurts me. I mean I know its a long shot, BUT this late at night my mind plays through EVERY possibility.
Lets be honest though. I'm a silly pathetic girl with a heart too big and too full that she doesn't even know what to do with. and you're just a boy who...well I have no clue. You're just a boy. One in the thousands that will cross my path, you're just one of the lucky? ones to make an imprint on some part of me.
If anything I'll be getting some kick ass songs out of this whole situation. They'll go through our ups and our downs. Which is funny, because the only down really is the silence. How do you write something out of silence? I may just use that line actually.
This is a line from something I have so far
"I want to cry but,
that's not the way to survive,
survive this madness of the mind.
Madness of the heart"
Well thats the end of my blurb. Now I gotta put it in my real journal! YAY!! hahaha
Sleep time. Great dreams while listening to Nick Jonas's C.D "Who I Am"
Live.Laugh.Love.Dream.DO.
