I will try...to fix you...

I find myself not being able to sleep again. Why did this day take a turn for the worst?

If these walls could talk,
They'd be screaming loud.
Oh won't you take it all,
Please take it all from me now.

This is a mad house.
I'm trapped with smoke and mirrors.
It's all an illusion.
I'm lost in confusion.

It's very short but I wrote it, i'll add more to it. But ugh honestly I'm so tired of the yelling and fighting. My aunt and uncle are at it 24/7. He has no respect for her...AT ALL. He's hit her before too and yet she goes back every single time. It's ridiculous. They're not very good parents either. and because they have no many problems it puts like everyone else in a bad mood.
This makes me really NOT want to get married either, I mean...I don't want a relationship, let along a marrige like that. I don't want to fight constantly or get hit or just have so many problems. I want what I deserve, but so did she and she didn't get that. Who's to say I will? I know it's silly to think these things, but so what. I don't want to end up like her settling for something so terrible.
Something like my grandparents is what I'd like. They're still IN love. They have passion and romance and love. My aunt should have that. Blegh. I'm young though. Why am I even thinking about any of this? Hmm... I assume it's this old soul of mine. I love my life and the here and now, but I feel this isn't exactly my scene. I do like to go out sometimes, but I'd be just as happy sitting around the house reading a book or something. Wow. I'm so boring. When I'm older, I bet i'll lead the most boring life too. I mean...not really because so much would have happened..but come the nights it's like every now and then I'll go out, but..ah...I'm shutting up now.


I could write so much about you and how amazing I think you are..but I don't want to sound repetitive and annoying. I mean yes I want you to know, but do you really want to read it like alllllll the time. You'll just be like Damn, this girl needs to hop off. ( I mean probably not, but whatever it's a passing thought) However I'd tell you everyday of forever if I could. Ah geez, there I go again. I'm going to quit talking now forreal. Probably be best if I go to sleep.

I guess I can still say that I miss you. Yup. that I don't mind saying. okay, now I'm done.


*Dream Outloud*

Rock-Me-Hardplace

You think you've got it all figured out. You spent a month gaining some perspective and you think that's supposed to make me go all "ohmygosh now he's perfect for me!!" umm... no not at all. You can't change the past and while yes I could give you a chance to prove yourself, I really don't think I want to. You're a nice friend and all, but I've decided who and what I want. I just don't know what to say I really really don't. This post is so pointless. urgh. I just want to run away. I can escape by being on vacation but stupid technology keeps all of this fresh and right there. I want out. hisdhyfishdsfhvjsf.

Believe in something real and you can't ever go wrong..

So here's what's up. Things are going pretty great. I was sitting at dinner today with the family and I just had to smile because I just felt such happiness. I have the greatest family, the greatest friends and a wicked cool husband ;) hahah. So much just seems to be going right... I had an interview with another Agency and they want to sign me across the board. My mom and I have a pretty good feeling about it, so I think I'm going to sign with them. I've also been busy with some short films.. I did one about a killer clown that haunted my dream for this program called ICF ( Inner City Film-makers). It was so creepy but still super cool hhaha.
Then I did this film called "Nefarious: Merchant of souls" It was a re-enactment documentary about Human Trafficking about a girl named Steffa. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I had to become one of these victims. Imagine myself being taken from my family, forced into sex slavery where Men come in..inspect me naked, then if chosed they can do whatever they want. It was horrible. Benji the writer and producer read us Steffa's testimony and all us girls just broke down crying. We couldn't imagine such a terrible thing happening. I plan to write a whole post about it so stay tuned. I also plan to start my own club at school to help raise money. Please keep these girls in your thoughts.
So all in all it was such a huge honor to be apart of something so incredible. I can't wait to see the reaction and outcome of it

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I'm really excited for everything that's happening in my life right now. I wanna say to Liam Miller aka Marty McFly that I know something he doesn't know. Simply because I like saying it and he may or may not read this...so HA! October 12th is apparently the day I'll tell you. It's been decided. hahah. Anyway thanks for being like my best friend. Our 7 hour phone calls are what's up. haha it's a record for like any phone call I've ever had. I dunno how we can break that?? I'm looking forward to you coming to my school this year!! We get to have lunch together OH BOY!!! :] I know you're just as excited even though you never say so haha just kidding. okay well if you read this... HA.
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Oh! and to you, yeah you know who you are. I think you're just dandy. My aunt asked me today if we we're really in love. I just smiled and said well...yeah. I'm thinkin so. and well she just goes well good, you deserve it. Plus he's cute. Go you. hahahah good times. So that's my story. :]

I want the words to convey.....

So...I'm sorry if these silly things made you think I didn't believe you. Can you imagine it from my shoes for a second though? I'm the girl who really knows what it's like to have her heart broken. I've gone to the deepest darkest place my mind could find and I just lived. I never thought I could allow myself to feel that emotion again. Trust shattered and basically I had the idea that anyone who wanted to love me was crazy because I'd only screw it up again. Why would anyone want to love me? How could anyone love me? Those thoughts I had. Lets fast forward here to when I met you. Neither one of us really expected any of this. I'm certain of that. I don't think we planned to become what we are. We sure as hell didn't expect to fall in love. At least I didn't expect to. Yet it happened, and the moment I felt it I never stopped to question it. It was just an instinct, as natural as breathing. Then here you come and be the first to say it, and I honestly thought you were joking. A cruel joke, sure but still I thought you were joking. I mean I'm just a girl who you met on a vacation, who also happens to live in another country, no where near you. How was I supposed to honestly think you could actually love me? It just seemed so surreal to me.
Then I thought about it, and I realized that it's never felt wrong. It's always just been right. From day one when you made sure I wouldn't fall over the boat, to now. It's always felt right, all I knew was that I wanted to be apart of your life one way or another. If that meat just this silly girl you talk to for pure amusement, then so be it. I was okay with that, I just wanted to know you. and once I got to know you I realized that I really just wanted you to be happy. I still do. Your happiness is key in my book, just so you know :)
I had a whole bunch of questions that I knew I'd never ask because well you'd be like what the hell did I get myself into...then I thought about it all and I realized I don't care if I don't have answers. I don't care that we can't put into words exactly what it is we want to say because we don't need words to get the message across. I don't need answers, I'm just glad it happened. I'm perfectly fine with having to stumble over my words in order to let you whatever it is I'd like you to know, because you already know. Just as I already know. We never stopped and asked the basics because that just wasn't us. We got our Get out of jail free card, passed GO and collected 200 dollars. We do just fine without our basics. We have what we have, and I accept that without hesitation because the thought of you honestly loving me as much as I love you doesn't allow room for hesitation.
How can I expect you to believe if I'm the one shakin in my boots about the "does he? doesn't he?" or the "What ifs?" WHO CARES!?! All that should matter is this moment now, the moments we have to love each other. Is out future uncertain? yes. Why? because we can't predict it. Any number of things could happen. However, we have the want to have each other in our futures and that's enough for me. I have no doubt that it can happen as long as we keep that same want within us. I really wish I had the words to tell you the feeling I get inside of me when I think about you. It's the best kind of butterflies and I just smile like I've never smiled before. My mom embarrassingly calls it "his smile" because she just knows it's you whenever she sees that smile. I want to laugh and cry out of just honest to god happiness. It's new and exciting and I wouldn't change it for anything.
I said you never cease to amaze me and you seriously don't. I'm not used to it because well really only my parents have the patience to put up with my pointless, long, boring stories. Yet you actually want to know them. You accept me for being this strange, awkward, quirky person. You find all of those qualities cute. When just the other day I got a "Babe, seriously?" When I tried to tell jerkface about something I was excited about. and he laughed at my dorky flip up glasses. Which yes I'm sure you'd laugh too, just you wouldn't laugh AT me. You're willing to see me at my worst and still call me beautiful. I mean you actually stayed up super late, for well I'm not sure the reason, but you wanted to see me..and you actually let me see you for the first time in like ever hahah. You have no idea how much that meant to me. How much ALL of this means to me. How much you mean to me. I can't wait for the day where I can show you, when I can actually just walk up to you and say ohhai I love you. okay that's all. :] I'm willing to do anything it take, and I hope you are as well . You're right, it does make perfect sense. I can't picture life without you, I don't want to.
I'll end my ramble here because well I could probably go on for days hahaha. I hope this helps you understand a little better. I felt like it needed to be said and well I wasn't sure if I could say it all directly to you. So this I found could be better. I wish you were here tonight, I'd love to just cuddle up in bed next to you ...but soon enough :] I fall more in love with you everyday. You really are the greatest. Thank you for everything you've done, everything you are and everything you will be. Now that it's been said, I can leave it be. My oh my, it's a great feeling. So....basically....what I mean to say is....I love you Garrett Nelson :]

While I'm off chasing my own dreams, please know that I'm yours to keep.

I've reread what you wrote to me atleast three times a night since you wrote it. Does that make me weird? Probably, but I don't care anymore. Why should I hide it? Not that I mean hide it from you, but from others. I've stopped caring what they think, I know what I know. I know what I feel. Nothing can change that.
Do I still have my doubts? Of course, who doesn't? It's easy to believe what I want to believe even if it's not truth. However I'm usually spot on about these things, and besides I don't think you'd have a reason to lie to me.... Space Bound? I relate like crazy.
I've trusted and gotten hurt.
I've fallen with the promise of being caught....yet I hit rock bottom with no one around.
So this...gut feeling I've got...the one that makes me unbelievably happy and safe and OKAY and in love? Yeah that scares me.
Then again..I mean...I don't know if its the same for you...but this feeling.. feels..well different than it has before. There's truth behind it. I'm thinking so. I won't ramble on about it all here though...then you'd know everything and that's not cool...yet. We'll talk, and you know..I'll find some courage to tell you everything I've wanted to, or what you want to know.

Does it scare you too? blegh. I need to stop rambling. Sometimes I ask questions that I don't even want to know the answer to. So ignore that one.

All I know is... I miss you. Plain and Simple. I have no clue how it's possible for how short a time we actually spent together...but talking to you is a big highlight of my day, even if it's mindless conversation or just a quick hello. It lets me know that I'm still in your mind. and at the end of the day that's all I could ask for. Well...actually all I REALLY can ask for is..if that ever changes...just let me know. It'll hurt less than just disappearing.

_______ ********** _________ ******* ______*********________**********_______

What am I doing? I need to get about from the negative. I need to listen to your words. They ease every shadow of fear or doubt I have. I keep listening to City and Colour...I've found a song that makes me think of you... Sometimes (I wish)... Just not the simple man part haha

"If I were a simple man
would we still walk hand in hand?
And if I suddenly went blind,
would you still look in my eyes?
What happens when I grow old?
And all my stories have been told?
Will your heart still race for me?
Or will it march to a new beat?"
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These are things I think about.... If you're truly serious about wanting to be with me...forever.. I wonder these things. Will you grow tired of me, after so long? Will I start to bore you, when our days become routine? Will the love you have now dwindle? Or will you continue to find reasons to love me just the same? If you even have reason to now.

What sucks about this is...I was just jotting down thoughts until I remembered you actually read this. ah well. Here's a look into what I think about. As you can see...a large portion is you. :) which probably makes me a creeper...dang haha
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On a separate note, I'm really looking forward to school...well for now I am. Its coming so fast and I'm just like oh neat this is going to be great! However once the reality of it all sets in I may go into panic mode. I've got to start applying to Colleges and figuring out life and get responsibilities i order and just pray I make it out alive.
Career is going great, I've got a few auditions happening and an Agent meeting next friday!! Which is super duper exciting because it means I'm doing SOMETHING right :D

I'm enjoying this summer sun too. It's beautiful...what's even better are the stars. They shine so bright. I wish I could just lay underneath them for a looonnnggg time. Anyone care to join me? We can make wishes too!! :)

My Family and I are just doing what we need to. They're so supportive and I couldn't ask for a greater one...

I'm headed to South Carolina in like a week and half which means BABIES!!! We're going to Myrtle beach with mama and poppy, Kelly, David and the kids. I'm soooo excited because well...kids are pretty much the best. I love when they discover new things...like..the beach! ahaha. Anywho i've gotta run.

Much Love.

Keep living the dream <3

AND LISTEN TO CHILDISH GAMBINO!!! He's my new favorite Rapper right now haha Thanks Liam.

Amy