I'm on the up and up....

I'm talking to you now, and basically I've come to realize I'm super silly... And I love you and you love me and it's the most wonderfullest thing in the whole world. Soooo Thanks :)


The End.


P.S. You don't look like a tard.... you're the sexiest boy everrrsss hahaha

We're fated to pretend

I want to go hide again. Start pretending. Do the things I'm good at. Honestly I don't like how I'm feeling. I hate how you make me feel. That's a lie. I love it. Then again I wish I didn't. I feel like It's too much sometimes. Not even from you. From me. I mean shit look at me, I write about it constantly. I sound like some little girl who's got a crush on her best friend's older brother. I just need to shut up and be silent. Keep this all to myself. Hide inside of myself. Pretend. La dee da. Wouldn't that be nice? Ohboyohboyohboy. I certainly think so. I can play this all aloof and no one will know the difference. If you don't know then you don't know. I won't have to feel ridiculous thinking and "talking" about how much I love you. If you don't know then you don't know. See then I can hide.



Ugh, seriously. Am I really doing this right now? I'm talking about how I'm not going to talk to you about certain things. I need to shut up. I suck. Basically. Am I being mean to myself? Of course I am. I'm allowed.


I won't ever be perfect.
I won't ever be the best.
I won't ever be the most popular. (not that I want to be)
I won't ever be the most beautiful/
I won't ever be enough.
I won't ever be....


And you know I'm okay with that. I may not be all of these things to myself... but someone, someday will see these things and think of me. They'll feel on top of the world knowing that my smile is only for them and that I'm the one they'll be coming home to everyday. That'll be the day. A happy day forsure. I think? Ohboy. hahaha. Laughter.

Wait...Actually that's a terrifying thought. Who thinks about that?? This person does I guess, but like.. isn't that scary? Who enjoys saying "Yup I get to go home to my boy today yeee!" OR "Yup I get to home to see my beautiful girl today, best part of my day".......
Oh.
Wait.
I .
probably.
would....


Merp. My grandparents do actually. It's the sweetest thing in the whole world. But they've had years and years of practice. I'm just trying to make in past all of this. But what is this?
Goodness why am I not really high while writing this?? It would make so much more sense. But no. I have to just be super tired and super pathetic.


I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wish this all made sense. None of it does. I could ask "Why?" but that'd be stupid. Sometimes NOT knowing is better than knowing. I think my soul is too old for me. I think about things no normal 17 year should be. Yet alas, here I am. Grrrr. It really frustrates me.

Seemingly so wrong. Yet never felt more right. Urghg. How is that possible?


I guess I've just got to take it with a grain of salt though.

Nothing lasts forever.

I should cherish the hopeful one I've got, yeah? yeah. Okay.

So here I go. I'll keep things to myself, and go on thinking nothing of it. It'll make things easier trust me.
Not that it matters, there's no point in knowing. I don't understand. You're right. and I never will. and that just may be okay by me.


So hey.... We're fated to pretend, yeah?

No Day But Today

I found that picture pretty great. It should've gone to a different blog probably though, but meh oh well I'd like to share it. SO there it is haha.




This picture says "She needs you..."

Today a friend of mine had a little sister pass due to a terrible car accident. This put a lot of things into perspective for me. Life is way to short. Life is too short to fight over petty things, to lie and cheat and make it terrible for yourself. We're never promised tomorrow so you must make the most of today.

Needless to say if you're mad at me, I'm sorry. You want to know my honest thoughts....If you have to question whether or not you want to drink... Don't do it. I can't tell you that though, because I don't want to be annoying and seem really stupid. Truth is I just care. My grandpa drank constantly and honestly things didn't go so well... Not something I'm willing to share, but all the same. However at the end of the day, everything you do is your decision. I don't have much say because it's not my place. If you ask then i'll tell you. For now That's all I have to say about it.

Going back to the first part... Can you imagine having someone you love completely taken away from you? You can only hope that you were able to say everything and do everything you possibly could to let the them know just how much they mean to you. Again we're not promised tomorrow, so make each day the best that you can. Tell them I love you every single day. Even if you're upset, still let them know how you feel. I don't do this, and I really need to start. I need to be more aware and thankful for all that I have in my life. So starting right now I will be. I hate the fact it's taken something like this to make me see it though
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Life is a interesting thing. Adam is trying to prove to me that he can be good to and for me. Thing is I don't have those "woo butterflies" not consistently at least. I want to be his friend. We tried to establish a relationship and a friendship at the same time. Boys are just a bunch of crazy. They tell you what you want to hear, and we believe them like it's the truest thing ever in the world. Just to have a little truth would be nice, but honest original truth.

Is it possible that guys just don't know or are afraid to express what they really want to say? Are they afraid that it'll break a heart? Or are they afraid that they'll be made fun of it any of their "boys" find out? Just once I'd like to know what's on their minds. When they want to tell a girl they love them or how much they like them or just anything. I wish there could be a boys must speak their mind day. That would be pretty cool.If they're upset they gotta talk about it or whatever. Blergh. However I'm jealous they can keep things to themselves. I'm sure I could too..and I do most of the time... I just hate when it builds up and I breakdown.

Crying sucks. Basically.

I've done it quite a bit lately.... Over a bunch of things. Blah It's soo not cool. Like at all. I don't like to seem weak. In front of you, or anybody.



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I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. I need sleep. Like a real FULL nights sleep. I wish I had a person to be next to me. It's always nice to go through things with someone. Hmmm.

Anyway, sweet dreams.






P.S. To sum it up... I do need you. It's not just a want anymore. You mean a ridiculous amount to me and I'm sorry if it seems to be too much sometimes. I just want you to know that no matter what, I would enjoy to have you around. No matter what or who happens between us. You know things most people won't ever know and we didn't even cover the basics. I just trust you...and it was easy for me to do. Isn't that funny? Anyway.... I'm not in the best state of mind I should probably stop writing...meh... Let it be.

SO hey.... No matter what I love you. Life's too short, so there ya go.


Kthxbye.

Basically.....

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So I's hearded this song and I thought of yous... Imma dork, I know. But anywho. I'm in a cuddling, love mood tonight. Deal with it people :)

Your arms feel like home- 3 Doors Down

I think i've walked too close to love
And now i'm falling in
Theres so many things this weary soul can't take
Maybe you just caught me by surprise
The first time that i looked into your eyes

There's a life inside of me
That i can feel again
It's the only thing that takes me
Where i've never been
I don't care if i lost everything that i have known
It don't matter where i lay my head tonight
Your arms feel like home
Feel like home

This life aint the fairy tale we both thought it would be
But i can see your smiling face as it's staring back at me
I know we both see these changes now
I know we both understand somehow

There's a life inside of me
That i can feel again
It's the only thing that takes me
Where i've never been
I don't care if i lost everything that i have known
It don't matter where i lay my head tonight
Your arms feel like home
They feel like home
(hold on, you're home to me)

There's a life inside of me
That i can feel again
It's the only thing that takes me
Where i've never been
I don't care if i lost everything that i have known
It don't matter where i lay my head tonight
Your arms feel like home
They feel like home

Blergh. what the hell...

So not even my picture will work and I'm pretty upset about that. It was pretty nice.

Anyway, I kinda wanna go away for a bit. Take a trip or just go camping for the weekend. OR goodness I don't know. Anywhere but here. Maybe it's just me....I don't know. I just want to get away for bit. No communication or anything...well okay maybe just my cell, but other than that. I just want to find a field and lay down under the stars in it. The world is getting to me I think.

I see perfection and beauty all around me.
It makes me hide, because it's what I'll never be.
Cast me a smile and hold me tight.
All I want is to be beautiful in your eyes tonight.

I wrote that. It's how I feel. In a world where beauty=perfection ....I realize that it's not something I'll be.

Maybe I'm being ridiculous right now, and lame girl self conscious...but meh so be it. I'm allowed to be, if only for right now.
Just for a moment, I'd like to be beautiful in your eyes.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Everything feels like its spinning. Is that weird?

I just want to curl up in a ball on a rainy day and have you next to me. Is that okay? okay.

I'm not even making sense anymore.

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The end of this nonsense.

Heart and MInd- Kina Grannis

So...I always try to find songs that fit things I'm trying to say or explain or whatever.. and this one fits everything. My thoughts, feelings and just me in general. Hopefully it'll makes things make sense ahaha.



"I write you letters from right to left
See if you have desire yet
To decipher what I said
And learn secrets from my head

It was hard for me to say
Those three words that are so brave
Almost kept them locked away
Deep inside where they'd be safe

BRIDGE:
Always trying to find
A safer place to hide

CHORUS:
Always felt I was protecting my...
Heart and mind
Heart and mind
But it seems like to really feel alive
I cannot hide
My heart and mind

I don't know why I get shy
Tucked away inside my mind
Scared to let someone inside
I sit silent in disguise

BRIDGE
Always trying to find
A safer place to hide


CHORUS
Always felt I was protecting my...
Heart and mind
Heart and mind
But it seems like to really feel alive
I cannot hide
My heart and mind"

Plus I just love love love her.

Okay really.... Goodnight Moon, Kiss the stars hello.

Late nights, Few Frights

Soo.... I actually talked to you tonight, I feel really shy and embarrassed since I'm probably the most boring person ever in the history of boring people... I'm sorry you had to watch me do homework...not interesting I know.. but hey better than nothing I guess.

Anway...

Looking past all of that, I'm super duper happy it happened. Being able to hear your voice was just...good? or like superfantasticalamazingly awesome. Yeah I like the second one. I'm too tired to completely write something. I have 15 A.P. Euro cards left. I'll do them in the morning. Basically I just wanted to say how happy I am. If that makes me a loser, so be it. I'd rather be happy and a loser, than not happy and really cool.

Basically I'm tired and this is pointless, but something said write it so I am.

Goodnight Moon, Tell the stars I love them :)

First off I absolutely love this movie. (The Notebook) Any boy that would willingly lay down and watch this with me, and not laugh at me when I cry haha, will be the boy for me :)
I just watched it and well Ryan Gosling is Yummy and I realized I haven't discussed love or anything for awhile. The last couple posts have been negative and really lame and stupid. I apologize, I over think and never understand I've got to let things be...It works out better for me.

Anywho this picture has my favorite quote on it
"The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more. That plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds"

I don't expect people to understand me. I don't expect people to understand this infatuation I have with love. I just can't think of a better feeling than knowing you would do anyone for another person. Whether it be family,friends, boyfriend, girlfriend, or...whatever you've got with someone. AND then knowing they would gladly do it right back. Once you find it, hold it real tight.

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I was discussing with my friend about her situation. She is absolutely IN love with her boyfriend, but she thinks she might love someone else. I told her it is possible to love someone and be IN love with someone, because those two things are very different. I love my best friend Jason, but I'm not IN love with him.
She then answered her own problem with this. I love boy 1 with my heart, but I love boy 2 with my soul.


I then told her that, that right there is her answer. If you love someone with your entire being. Not just your head or your heart, or well for some guys their dick...but everything. Your heart, your body, your head, your soul. If every part of you is in need of this person, don't throw that away for something uncertain.
You can't full heartedly love two people at the same time, and why would you want to only love someone with half of your heart?
However I hope this helped her. She and I both over think things wayyy tooo much, so she helps me and I help her. I love her dearly. and now she's at her boyfriends house baking brownies, falling in love with him all over again...I find that adorable ahah.

But I wanna know what you guys think. Is it possible to be IN love with two people at the same time?

My view is quite clear, but still it's interesting to know others.
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Hmmm....Okay. I wish I could tell you everything. I feel like you don't understand, which is funny because I think that's the same thing you said to me... I just don't want to sound or seem stupid. Meh. ANYWHO.... I think I'll end this post where it is.

Feel free to comment your thoughts on the question asked above. I'd appreciate it really.


Live.Laugh.Love.
<3 Ames.

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